YO, YO, YO! This is an important one today so I’m not going to waste time with the greeting…but, I pray you are well, I pray you are striving for greatness, I pray you have someone to talk to when you are down, and if you don’t…holla at any one of us at 2deep4daintro@gmail.com, with that said…Let’s Get To It!!
Yup, you read the title right…Wipe Yo Ass! Today we will cover all the things your Dad should’ve taught you but for whatever reason, didn’t. Now, if you’re easily embarrassed or insecure with your masculinity and need to go somewhere alone to read this, please do so now.
(I’m not getting paid to tell you about the following products...but I should tho.)
#1. Wipe Yo Ass - I’m going to need you to invest in some baby wipes aka wet-ones, that’s first off. Second, I need you to invest in a magical little spray called Poo-Pourri. It hides the shit smell. You’re only going to need this when you got a new lady staying the night or for a weekend and you gotta drop them bombs. You spray 3 to 4 pumps in the toilet BEFORE you do your business, trust me on this. Order it online so you’re not running all over the place, Amazon, Wal-Mart, Target, take ya pick. Now…I’m gonna need you to operate in this order from now on because…you definitely can’t call yourself a Self-Made-Man outchea while your Polo boxers are a fucking mess, no sir. After every time you drop off a load, I’m gonna need you to flush. Drop a load, flush, repeat. Next, I’m going to need you to wipe till you don’t see any more shit, period. Get ALL the way off in there, yup, I know, this is a hard conversation, but we gotta do it. Wipe till aint no more brown, wipe till u look at that toilet paper and it’s white, not a trace of shit, yup. Next, you will only need 1-3 baby wipes if you have wiped your ass correctly. With the baby wipes, wipe your asshole, wipe your ass crack, wipe your ass cheeks, finished. Put these in the trash, don’t clog your toilet. Congratulations, we can move on to number 2, lol.
#2. Grooming - You don’t have to be baby back ribs outchea, but you’re going to have to start trimming your body hair. Alot of the body odor men carry come from the body hair, the odor bacteria likes to live in it, so, I’m gonna need you to start trimming that shit down. Get that upper and lower back, under the arms, your balls, your hair around your piece, the whole groin area, them booty butt cheeks, the crack of yo ass, yup, make a day of it then start doing it every 2 weeks or every 3 weeks. Invest in these clippers, they won’t cut you, I promise…Philips Norelco Bodygroom Series 7000. It’s waterproof but I would suggest grooming before you shower so the hair isn’t sticking. When your done, brush the hairs out, run it under some water, and then wipe it off with 50% alcohol on a cotton ball, ya welcome.
#3. Ya ballz - I don’t know what the hell you putting on your balls, probably nothing, but it’s a new day, this is all you need…go to Manscaped.com, signup with your email so you don’t have to keep re-entering your info and so they can start sending you deals. Click formulations, I’m gonna need you to invest in the Crop Preserver, it’s a cream deodorant for your balls, it goes on like lotion. Put it on and between your nut sack and then rub the excess in your ass crack, yup. Also, while you’re on their site, invest in the nose trimmer, it’s called the Weed Whacker, under tools. When you’re grooming, get all that nose hair and ear hair as well, the Weed Whacker will be good for both. When you’re finished, wipe it with a damp paper towel then clean it with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. Manscaped has a bunch of dope products, but I want you to start with these two, then after you get a routine, you can start upping your game, let’s proceed.
#4. Ya Tongue - Your tongue is where bad breath stems from, get all the way back there, scrub that tongue till it’s no longer white, your whole tongue should be a pink color. Brush your teeth and tongue twice a day, get the side of them mouth cheeks too. Add an extra brush to your shower routine while you’re at it, soon, all of this will be habit, that’s that on that.
#5. Ya Nails - Clip and file your fingernails and toenails on your grooming day, that’s that. If you want to go get a pedicure and manicure every 3 weeks or so, that’s even better. Ask for some mimosa while you’re there.
#6. Lotion - You know why black don’t crack, cuz we use lotion, I don’t care what lotion you use, when you get out the shower, lotion your skin, every time. For your face, get a moisturizer specifically for your face, don’t use the same lotion you use on your body. Here’s my recommendation to keep things simple. Use Keri lotion for your body, hands, and feet. You can buy it at Walmart or online. Get the original or the shea butter one, doesn’t matter which one. For you face, buy some Johnson’s baby lotion. You can get the original or the shea and cocoa butter one as well, you can’t go wrong here. At the end of the day, use whatever works for you. If you don’t want to follow my recommendations, just get the kind of lotion that caters to your skin type depending on if you have normal, oily, sensitive, or combination skin… there’s multiple kinds of lotions, just use something outchea.
#7. Wash Yo Ass - Bathe your skin… everyday…with soap. Clean behind your ears, clean inside your ears(not with soap), wash your navel, wash your ass, wash your balls and your piece ( I’m gonna need you to pull that ball sack skin and penis skin up, and really clean fam), use a wash towel…no luffas, switch out your towels every 2 -3 days. Also, in the summer, I need you to shower in cold water as much as you can. According to healthline.com and many other sources, the benefits of showering in cold water include…increased circulation, reduced muscle soreness, boost of weight loss, glowing hair and skin, alertness, helps to fight off common illnesses, etc. So, if you can, everyday in the summer, take cold showers.
Alright gentleman, while we outchea being great, please buy soaps and shampoos that are natural or buy the ones that say no parabens and no sulphates, these are harmful chemicals and not good for you. If you want to get more into details about colognes, and body washes, or anything else, you know what to do. To all my Self-Made-Men outchea….Be Great, Holla!
WALT FACTUAL
